set in the routine.

{how planning my life out is killing me}

I am a girl of routine. 

I have a written planner, an app, a couple dozen “Notes” to do lists on my phone at any given moment. I have my weeks and months and even years planned out in my head with no wiggle room for any delays or setbacks. I have everything figured out, constantly creating timelines in my head to avoid the possibility of anxiety. 

And yet, my world is plagued with it. 

There are days where my anxiety is literally crippling me. I convince myself that one day, one mistake, defines my entire life, and the entire possibility to achieve anything ever. It’s unhealthy. And gross. And I know there are more people out there doing it. 

This morning I slept through my 6 AM alarm, one that was set with the intention of waking me up for an hour long workout at the gym, which would be followed by probably Dunkin, getting stuck at a few lights, and then my arrival home, a timely enough morning routine that still gave me room to get my sisters ready for school. But the alarm only works when my phone is on, and this morning, mine was not. My charger was ripped from the wall and my phone was dead this morning. I woke up at 6:26 AM with my entire routine thrown off, and no room to spare. And so now I’m here writing this, completely defeated. 

However, before I settled into my lovely little corner of the world designated for writing, I spent a few minutes journaling and reading the Bible – a New Years Resolution that hasn’t been given up on yet. And upon my self reflection and time spent in God’s word, I realized that my waking up late was being used by Him. To put this blog out into the world. But mainly to make me realize how absolutely TOXIC my routine making has become. 

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not talking anyone out of using lists and other organization tools to achieve their goals. These are great assets for planning and accomplishing long term and short term goals. However, creating impossible routines using these tools is where the toxicity creeps in. When you leave no room for any sort of delay or change throughout the day, a feeling of disappointment or failure is sure to creep into your world with the realization that the expectations you set for yourself on paper are literally impossible. And holding yourself to any unachievable standard is SO unhealthy. 

I’ve learned that I work great under pressure, and sometimes I need a challenge in order to reach my full potential. Anyone with big goals can relate; pushing yourself is a great way to not only improve in whatever endeavors you’re pursuing, but also to improve in time management and figure out exactly what is doable for you. But when your everyday looks like mine on paper – a list with the same twenty goals that I haven’t been able to fit into any other twenty four hour period yet – life gets exhausting. And motivation begins to dwindle. So if you have this same problem, you’re in the perfect place to grow and learn with me. 

Really begin evaluating your days. Make columns in your to-do lists; one for things that have to happen for the day to be a success, ones that you’d like to happen, and ones that have room to be completed whenever you have the energy. Stop making yourself feel like a failure for missing a day at the gym or falling behind in work. Put “be gentle with myself” on tomorrow’s to-do list, because that’s always a need. Success will come, because if you’re anything like me, you won’t have it any other way. And it’s probably on your list somewhere, too, even if it’s a mental one.